Some years ago, approximately one hour before leaving for a three-day convention (and only after I had spent hours trying on clothes and changing purses, and FINALLY making some hardcore fashion decisions…), I was sent to the ER by my doctor and subsequently “grounded” and instructed to “stay local.” Which translates into “no convention for mom.” Travis was determined to stay by my side (awww) but my little sister volunteered to babysit (she has since passed away, so this is a sweet memory) and so he took the kids and left on Friday morning, and we girls were left to our own devices for three whole days. But, this isn't about that.
On Saturday night I called to check in with The Daughter, who had been given (and had graciously accepted) the onerous task of being THE WOMAN on the trip. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand she had some stuff to say, not all of which was cotton candy and unicorns. ALL OF WHICH, however, did make me feel like a first-rate heel for leaving her to fend for herself for an entire weekend with three males. Needless to say, I gave what advice I could, told her that I’d pray for her and that she should take a stand if she needed to, and got off of the phone with my brain all sticky and crooked. The day after I spoke with The Daughter, I called to check in, and I asked The Dad how things were going He replied “GREAT! We’re having a really nice weekend!” I wanted to laugh, as I realized how he and daughter were looking at the same situation through completely different lenses. I mean, I’m glad that he felt that way... But, this isn’t even really about that.
Because here’s the thing about realization: Clarity can hit you when you aren't necessarily looking for it. At the time, I lived in a house with four other people; I never got the opportunity to be…not with them, and so their absence over that three days was fairly significant. I missed them, obviously, but I also found myself thinking about what we all “miss” about each other every day.
I like to think that, as a family group, we are fairly well-connected to one another, especially then, and for the most part, now. At the time, we saw each other every day.
Didn’t we?
And we talked all the time.
Right?
The answer was (and to some degree-even though older children have moved on, and younger grands have appeared-still is): Yes. And yes.
But also, life happens, and when it does, we’re no better than anyone else. We get complacent, take one another for granted.
We stop seeing each other clearly; rather, we have become somewhat fuzzy, albeit familiar, shapes to each other; we fade to the verbs of what we're doing, rather than the nouns of who we are.
We fade to: Nose in a book at the kitchen counter, fingers tap-tappity-tapping on a phone, guitar picks everywhere, leaving-for-work, puttering endlessly. Glasses, striped shirt, dark hair, cat ears (if you know, you know). The parts are vaguely reminiscent of someone we recognize, but in the rush of everyday stuff, we don’t really stop to get a real glimpse of the sum total.
Oh, we talk all right, but too often in monosyllabic bits, or short, informational bursts: “Dinner?” “Tacos.” “Work?” “8:00.” "Babysit?" "Sure!" "Milk?" "Fridge." “Garbage?” “Yes.”
Garbage, Yes??? What does that even mean???
Ok, we’re not quite that bad, but still, my point is…if we’re not careful, we could be. Garbage? YES!!!
The highlight of my every day is connecting with these people, talking with them, being with them. I don’t want a minute of that to be wasted, and the sad truth is, many of them are. At a time when family connection and cohesiveness is more important than ever before, when having strong personal ties to loved ones is tantamount; sometimes we still let stuff get in the way. Why do we do that? That is what I sat thinking about, contemplating, after talking with The Daughter on that long-ago Saturday.
I don’t believe that this gradual blurring is a result of apathy or laziness; it’s more a matter of being myopic, out of touch, wrapped up in self and self’s stuff. Which is not to say that I live with a bunch of self-absorbed narcissists; I don’t. Partly it’s just…distraction. The truth is, we can be distracted away from tending to our loved ones, and by and large we can get away with it, because love covers a multitude, right? But partly, it is that we live with people~the same people~and we start to have greater expectations of them than we do of ourselves. And instead of just thinking about what we have and appreciating that and communicating it clearly, we just...don't. And as time goes on, we begin to “expect," or to need, certain things. But we stay silent about those things, because they should get it, right? I mean, if they care, we shouldn’t have to ask, yeah?
So this is about that...
When we stay silent, a thing happens. It is not good, this thing. Slowly, we become continually disappointed-or at least bummed-out by the people who love us the most in the world. And they? They are clueless because we insist on believing that if they really wanted to, they could read our minds, or our body language; at the very least they would know that “fine” is never fine, and that “whatever” is no answer at all. And probably, likely...honestly, we never stop to consider what WE are not noticing about THIER needs.
It just seems so ridiculous, when I think about it, that we get irate with each other over things we could just put out there in the first place. Why is it so vitally important that The Husband know intuitively that I need a hug? I mean, that’s nice and romantic and all, but if I really need a hug, and I have to ask for one, and I get what I ask for…I WIN! So where is the real issue? And why is it that important for someone to see that I so do not want to wash the dishes and as a result hey grab the dishcloth from my hand and shoo me out of the kitchen? Last time I looked, we don’t live in a Disney movie, and I bet if I just asked, the dishes would be done, and not by me! I am in no way suggesting that people stop noticing each other, or neglect being observant and kind. I'm just suggesting that it's ok to ask, it can be mutually beneficial to help your people to see what you need...maybe don't require them to guess all of the time. Help each other to get it right!
And so, way back then, I made some lists. And even though they are by now many years old, I am ready to dust them off and try once again to improve my efforts at human-ing. That being said...
When I first shared these lists with The Fam, I explained how we appreciate our family, and the efforts which each person makes within it. I was quick to point out that we were not gathered for any one flaw to be pointed out; that I merely wanted to share some things which I had been thinking about. I then (flourish!) presented them with the first of three itemized lists. Yes, three. I know how that sounds, but they were small lists; it’s fine.
The First: Conversations We Should Have
There are certain things which should be on our radar, no excuses. So this is a fairly short list of starter sentences. The suggestion I made is to try to hit at least a couple of these with each person in the fam every week, just to keep in touch, to keep seeing and hearing each other. A few examples (as you will see, I like examples. ALWAYS give an example, if you can):
“I really appreciated that you ________(please give examples). Thanks!”
“Hey, is there anything that I could do better for you (please give examples)? Also,
“How has your week been? Tell me about it.”
“How can I help/encourage you (please give examples)?"
“I noticed that you seem _____. What can I do for you?”
"Let's hang out. I want to spend time with you."
The last item was not really a conversation starter at all, but just a reminder for us. I realized that oftentimes, we leave without saying goodbye, go to bed without goodnights. It was not always like that; we’d just gotten into a bad habit, and honestly, even now, we are still a work in progress on this point. So it is a favorite of mine: “Did we talk or connect in some way every day this week?” (yes, leaving a personal note, text, email, vm, dm for someone counts...its the genuine effort that matters).
The Second: Things to Talk About…How Can We Help Each Other?
This literally was a list of things which we could all be more aware of, and it requires meaningful input from everyone. This list would include family things, such as our goals and how we spend time time together, and individual things such as respecting each person’s need for personal time and space now and again; being kind and listening, focusing on what’s important and COMMUNICATING CLEARLY. Respecting one another, being approachable, and available. You know, your basic kindergarten starter pack. Back then, we talked about the importance of laughing together (easy, for our particular group), of scheduling “tech free” nights and family dinners at least two or three times a week; again, we are still working on it, always.
Did I mention communicating openly and respectfully? Funny story there… It was during this segment that The Daughter said (slowly, and with great care and respect) “The Brother and I have been talking about family worship, and…”. Turns out, these two had some fantastic insights which they shared with us; they even had a plan which would work for everyone’s work/school schedules, and took into account the differing ages and attention spans of our brood! Also, they very gently suggested that perhaps I could “…not…talk so…much, maybe, during the scheduled time,” and that that might give The Dad a fighting chance to be “…more organized, and specific…”. THIS kind of response was exactly what we had hoped for: practical, thought-out suggestions which we were happy to receive and anxious to put into practice We were all laughing by the end (YES, because I know that I talk too much and that The Dad hardly speaks). We wanted to hear what they had to say, wanted them to know that they would always have a voice in this space; it was awesome to have them talk to us about talking to each other about talking to us (I know, that was a lot of sentence, there, and I apologize). And I am happy to report, years later, that we are all still talking-me a little less, The Dad a bit more, and even though the relative distance of our kids moving outward and onward has, honestly, changed the frequency to a degree, the efforts are still there. We're still connected. Still laughing. Still learning.
The Third: What Do We Appreciate? What Can we improve?
This is a very short, and personal, list. We each should ask, share and listen, to the following:
"What Do I Appreciate About You? (give examples; examples are important)."
"What Can I Improve For You? (see note about giving examples above)
Once you have the answers, take action! Do your best, be better, see the good results as you all work towards a common goal of making personal improvements for the benefit of those you love.
The hope:
So now what? The goal of this “homework” was to help us all to see ourselves from a different angle, with a fresh set of values, through freshly polished lenses. I want to know what more you think I can do, who else you think I can be, if there is a better way to relate to you. I want to see you, really see you, the way you need and want to be seen by me.
What “I” think is relative to me. If I spend my life serving orange juice when you’d rather have chocolate milk, please don’t assume that’s how it has to be, all of the time; tell me what you want, and maybe we can arrive at a compromise, and have a little of both. In my family, in my friendships and in other important human interactions, I want us to be able to ask for what we’re not getting, to give freely what we can, to teach each other daily.
I need help to be a better me; don’t be shy about telling me what you think! I'll listen, even if what you say isn't easy to hear, and I will think about and appreciate your insights.
Silent, unmet expectations benefit no one; they rot secretly, and destroy slowly. Honesty and kindness forge and strengthen; listening and taking action bond together.
I hope that in the process of revisiting these lists, I'll realize things about my peeps that I never really thought about before, and I hope that I’ll remember to remember.
Like, wouldn’t it be great to discover that someone actually appreciates that I sweep the floors 73 times a day?? And who knows: Maybe I’ll learn that they need me to sweep a little less, because they want me to spend that time making cookies.
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